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Jessica

[ website | my space account ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(7Fucks in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[10 Apr 2007|09:20pm]
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


Why am I so fucking stupid!!!

(2Fucks in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[14 Mar 2007|01:26am]
Jessica is in love.

That is all.

Expect more entries.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[21 Dec 2006|07:59pm]
I've packed my things. Break is finally here. Today the first time I woke up with absolutely nothing to do. I woke up at 11:30 with the light from my window flooding my room. I was such a nice feeling. Campus feels so empty as I wait for my friends to come. There weren't even people crowding the halls of the practice rooms. The sound of the wind on my windows makes this place feel more vacant than ever. It is most definitely time to go.
I sold some of my books yesterday. Only the ones I know I'll never need again. It feels like such a waste when I consider how much money I wasted on them. (Some of which I didn't open all semester). I've done much better on exams than I expected. I'm still not sure what I have in voice which honestly worries me. I want an A but I know I don't quite deserve one. I'm so unfocused and unmotivated. I'm hoping all of that will change next semester. I have a good feeling about it. I got so much new repertoire. I get so excited about new music to work on. I feel like I can't work on any one piece for too long because I get so bored with it. I'm like that with everything though. Break will be a good thing for me. It will give me some time to remember why I'm here and why I should be working hard. For now the only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing everyone from home. Ohh and the amazing ride home.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[19 Dec 2006|08:46pm]
Jury todayyy!!! Jury todayyy!!!

(1Fuck in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[18 Dec 2006|06:45pm]
Ha! and I said I wouldn't have enough time to post another entry. So I once again find myself in the pub with my caffe verona, attempting to write an essay on the sonata as both a form and a genre. I once again sleep about 12 hours, two days in a row. This is not normal at all. I had a sight-singing hearing this morning at 8:40 which didn't exactly go as well as I hoped. Then I went to breakfast in an attempt to stay awake but it just made me more tired. I went back to my room and collapsed until 12. Now I am avoiding my room/ sleep like the plague. Today is the first day of juries and I'm kind of tempted to go down to Whalen to watch the chaos but I just have wayy too much of my own shit to do. I think my juries are the only thing I actually feel confident about. Its strange I feel like I've beaten these pieces like a dead horse and I'm at a point where if need be I can perform them on auto pilot. I really can't wait for break, only four days left and sooooo much to do. My good friend MaryBeth is coming to pick me up which pretty much makes her cooler than anyone. I'll be good times I can tell. I've just felt so drained lately yet I've accomplished so little, aside from all the livejournal entries. You know I'm desperate for distraction when I post live journal entries regularly. In any event. Its come to the point where I just can't procrastinate anymore.

Jessica

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[18 Dec 2006|04:54am]
[ mood | tired ]

So I promised details on Ford Fest and the more I think of it the more I realize that giving every last detail really just ruin the personal experience. All I'll say is that I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my life and vodka+Tequilla+Jack Daniels+Rum= a terrible,terrible hangover that I don't wish on anyone. Okay well maybe a few people but only the ones I really don't like.
In any event I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out more and that is entirely my goal for next semester. As a performer I should really be doing more to network and get to know more people. Plus I haven't had any sort of potential love interest in a while and dammit I need one. I mean not just drunken fun but actually someone I like to spend time with. hmmm. Or atleast just someone to obsess over for a while. Someone who gives you that bubbly , blood rushing to head, word vomit sort of feeling when you talk to them. Okay I'm starting to make myself sick I think its definitely time to change the subject. Brad gave me some new repertoire and I am wayyy too excited about. All of these new pieces feel more grown up and challenging. Lots of tricky recitatives and ornamentation. I've come to terms that I need to spend a lot more time on the performance aspect of my degree. Lets face it, as a performance major I'm constantly competing to be the best/get the job blah blah blah and I need to get my shit together and start acting like it and accomplishing things. Arrrggghhh the frustration!!!!! I need to start making my self stick out a little more. Thats actually hilarious considering Fridays events but I don't mean by being the drunken freshman stumbling around ford but by performing well and often. But who has time to think about next semester now whenn there is so much work to be done right now. I still havent started studying for wednesday's exams and my piano is still ify at best. ::sigh:: I just can't help but procratinate. You know when you're singing a piece and you get the the end of a diffucult phrase and suddenly your breath and plancement and everything else just go to shit because you know you're at the end and the hard part is over. Singers tend to do this and have to work to over come it but I think the same thing tend to happen in my personal life. I mean the semester is deceptively coming to an end and it seems like the hard part, first semester, is over but its not because I have this bitch of a final coming up an juries, and piano. I can't help but poop out and feel unprepared to finish the phrase. Well the next few daysswill be intense and I doubt I'll have time to post much but I will certainly try.


Jessica

(1Fuck in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[16 Dec 2006|07:37pm]
Jessica is hurtin' for certain.
I was a drunken F-O-O-L last night.
I'll post details (not all) later.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

Two entries in one week, I'm on a roll! [14 Dec 2006|10:51pm]
[ mood | busy ]

So I am once again sitting in the pub with my starbucks coffee and absolutlely no progress on my multiple essays and I thought a livejournal break was in order. So this portion of the semester has just been absolutely insane. Not only fo I have the daunting task of finals ahead of me but I have multiple performance obligations the most important of which is my very first jury. For those of you who don't know juries are almost like a biannual re-audition. Its how your graded on your instrument. You prepare a set a amount of pieces during the semester and perform them for a panel of voice faculty. Its absolutely terrifying because its is the most critical of audiences I would sooner opt to perform in a crowded concert hall than for five voice faculty. Its not that I'm not prepared, I know I am. Its just that I can anticipate my nerves coming in an obliviating any preparation I put into these pieces. Sometimes I think I got into the wrong career. We'll see though. I know that I'm capable of doing well its just a matter of actually doing so.
The stress is just piling up and I'm pretty much doing what I always do in a stressul situation, nothing. When things get difficult I tend to freeze up. This time I'm not sure of I can get by that way, its just so hard for me to step up do things differently sometimes. My piano playing has been horrible. Thanks to a really good, and really patient tutor, I'm passing but barely. Sometimes I think it doesn't really hit me how much actual practice goes into a performance degree, or career for that matter. When it comes down to it I sincerely have no discipline or work ethic. I need to find a way to get by in life with doing pretty much next to nothing. Do you think anything like that exists. I feel like I have the potential to accomplish a lot but not really the drive. I need an inspiring experience, some sort of intervention.
Tommorrow is Ford Fest and apparently the everyone in the music department gets drunk and watches random silly performances in ford hall. My friend Katie got us some Vodka and we're either drinking before or after Ford Fest. Its my very first one and I'm verrryyy excited. I feel like I don't really do much up here. I'm ALWAYS out when I'm home and here I just kind of don't get out much, not that I get anything accomplished but it would be nice to go out an meet people every once in a while .Its so refreshing to talk about anything but music every so often. Its also nice to meet people who don't have a stick up their ass. I find music majors (not all) so stuffy and sheltered mainly its really an eye opening experience. In college you meet the sort of people you think only existed in Micheal Moore documentaries. I feel like I've made some real friends here as much as I miss my friends at home (which is pretty much more than life itself) I am absolutely ecstatic about break. I need to get out more. Lately I've really just wanted to be in a relationship. Well, maybe not so much a relationship as much as just having someone that I'm interested in. It just seems to make life exciting. Its like in high school when you really don't feel like going sometime but you know if you do you'll see *insert name here* between 3rd and 5th period and it just makes getting up at the crack of dawn and putting on mascara seem that much more worth it. I've so chaotic and unorganized lately I don't know how I'll survive the rest of the semester. I still have no idea how I'm getting home for break or how I am ever going to memorize the entire history and theory behind general psychology and western music but wednesday PLUS practice for piano/juries/sight-singing. Why do I always put myself in these situations.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

I do belive, if you don't like things you leave [12 Dec 2006|08:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

So I'm sitting in the pub with my caffe verona wondering how many different ways I can put off studying for finals and I came to the conclusion that a livejournal entry was long over do. I don't know how long its been since last I posted an entry and at this point I doubt it matters. Its amazing how I can write thousands of words on myself and nothing on sonata form.
A million incredibly significant things have happened since I last posted an entry but I won't get into any of that, it would be counterproductive to the new apathetic, too-cool for emotional issues persona I've acquired. My new method of self absorption is cold objective analysis. I have a number of dissociative tendencies that have for better or worse become more prominent. Distraction is so much easier when you live alone hundreds of miles from home and any genuine concern. I can always spend a day sleeping and/or heavily medicated. Its this avoiding of issues, this disattatchment from life that has always gotten me through and hopefully this time will be no different. These issues are bigger therefore the means of distraction are as well. Its always been easy to imagine its not really me living my life, I'm nothing more than a spectator. I have no real expectations for the future because none of it really affects me. The pills can "cure" the depression but apparently not the apathy. I always thought they coincided but apparently not. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not much of anything and that seems okay for right now. They always ask you to communicate, to talk to share but there isn't anything significant to talk about when your not really there. I'm not angry, please don't think I am. I'm just considering the overall state of things and as I'm sure you can guess I don't really care either way. I guess you could call it emptiness but I don't necessarily feel that way. I still feel emotions just a muted version of them. I guess its helpful. What else can you do when things get unbearable, you can go through with Feeling the full spectrum of human emotion to the greatest extent or you can retreat, and say " I want out". Its not quitting its a defense mechanism. Drugs, work, sleep, drinking, procrastination, anything that forces me to avoid the consequence of real, genuine emotion.
I'm not always like this, and I won't always be. Its just that if I kept feeling things, so intensely, so profoundly the way I was for a while, it wouldn't be possible to live, whatever that means. Back when I was really in it, when it was really bad I used to say that I didn't want to die, it was just that I didn't want to live, it was a strange paradox of feelings. I guess I've found an alternative. I've always said that when I feel like I can't handle things I find it best to change.

(1Fuck in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

Just a fw thoughts to pass the time [26 Oct 2006|07:36pm]
Thoughts on Smoking:

If I weren't a singer, I would most definitely be a smoker. Not because I particularly enjoy it, in fact the smell tends to make me ill, but because it fits so well into my personality. The dark mysterious girl, flicking ashes over the side of some balcony, quiet and sophisticated. I already have an abundance of insatiable bad habits, nail biting, foot-tapping, biting the left side of my bottom lip. Now that I've taken to long sleeves I have this obnoxious habit of gripping my left sleeve. I have this theory that I've taken on these habits to suppress the smoker I was born to be.

Thoughts on Love:

I'm not sure if I miss him as much as I miss the part of me he took with him. The hopefulness, the optimism, the vulnerability, the comfort, all wrapped up and dropped at his feet. Now that we aren't together anymore I should ask for them back. He still has them and what good are they if I can't visit them every once in a while? This is my fault really, I gave them so willingly. Love is an investment and when it comes down to it I am so willing to throw in all of my chips and pray it works. I hold on to all of the love I have and gather it all until it is just too much for me to handle and then dump it on some poor unwilling boy. The problem was, I though this one was different. I truly believe that all lovers are masochists. There's a certain inevitablilty to it all. You both know that in the endd you'll end up hurt but when it actually happens we're never prepared. The sick thing is, we're so willing to throw ourselves into it without any form of risk-assessment. It's sort of like jumping out of a plane. You hope that the shute opens but whether or not it does the ground is still coming. I still look at pictures of us before I left. We looks so insanely happy. I wonder if we knew.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[30 Aug 2006|05:32pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So I am in Ithaca New York now, enjoying the so-called college experience and I can't help but feel like a traitor. I've negleted this journal, an actual outlet for quasi intellectual internet recreation for myspace and facebook with their friends lists and unlimited pictures. Hopefully with the endless hours I spend in my dorm room procrastinating about practicing, I will actual revive this journal.
So I am now at Ithaca College studying vocal performance and honestly having a great time. I really enjoy the self reliance and working environment. My classes consist of:

Sight Singing I
Fundamentals of Theory*
Keyboard I
Into to Musical Styles
Diction I
Repertoire
Voice
Psychology

I've surprisingly made a lot of friends, mostly music majors, not a lot has changed since high school. I has an audition today for the ensembles. I really really want to make choir (the smaller more intense group) espcially seeing as they are doing Eric Whitacre's 'When David Heard' which is probably my favourite modern piece of all time. ::sigh:: I just can't win. My audition was pretty bad as well. Making voice like 90% of my life is going to be a pretty rough transition seeing as how my voice is not terribly reliable. I also met my voice teacher today. He's from Canada and he seems REALLY nice I think its a good fit for me. Hopefully. I'm just worried because I don't really take well to competition I as often willing to surrender my confidence to feeling insecure and inferior which is terrible for a performance major. My main goal in this semester is to be as healthy a singer as possible and develop some sort of confidence. Oh and too SURVIVE!

(1Fuck in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

Saying Goodbye [21 Aug 2006|07:51am]
[ mood | pensive ]

So I've packed up all of my belongings and I leave today for the next chapter of my life. I hate saying that, really. I don't actually want things to change. I spent so much of my life wanting to leave and making sure I would and now that everything is right and more perfect than it's ever been I have to leave. I keep thinking, I did this to myself so I'm not really allowed to be sad, but I am. Here I am about to begin a long distance relationship and a career of constant disappointment and I ask myself, what am I doing? What if this time I can't make things work. What if this time it just hurts too bad?
I'm sure much of this is brought on by lack of sleep. I spent all of last night packing and cleaning and most of the past week shopping. Its only when you're just about to leave that you realize you need a new EVERYTHING. Now I am faced with the daunting task of loading up the car and riding 6 hours to Ithaca with my parents. Hopefully enough excitement awaits to make all of this seem worth it.

(2Fucks in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[31 Jul 2006|11:07pm]
Wow It has been exactly two months since I posted and entry.
I feel bad, facebook and myspace have taken up the majority of my online time. I've conformed but I promise there will be a thourough update in the near future.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[31 May 2006|02:06pm]
Aries
March 20 - April 18
Love and personal relationships are likely to take on a much more romantic and dreamy tone at this time, dear Aries. There are apt to be sparkles in your eyes as you speak of, or even think of, the person whom you care about the most. The unmistakable glow that surrounds you is likely to attract others to your side, even if you are not in the market for a romantic relationship at this time.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[21 May 2006|12:28pm]
I've had an epiphany.
I think its over.
Really this time.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[18 May 2006|10:37pm]
I eventually fuck everything up.
But I won't fuck this up, I won't, I can't.
I just can't help crying over nothing.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[17 May 2006|09:43am]
I need to start going to school.
This is getting ri-god damned-diculous!

I honestly had ever intention of going. My plan was to skip piano lab and sleep in and then show up around 8:45,8:50 and go to human dev. But do to the never ending construction on Pawtucket ave, I didn't get to the parking lot until aorun 8:55 and rather than getting a detention because of 1 minute I figured mising two odd days in 1 week wasn't the worst thing in the world and stayed home. I've decided to sell my junior prom dress. I need cash in a really bad way and I I'm sort of running out of time and options. Besides I've already worn it and loved it and taken pictures, I'll honestly never wear it again. I need to get my act together with the Rachmaninov, I have like 3 rehearsals left and I am making wayyy too many silly mistakes.
Now that I am home for the day, or atleast until work, lets see if I'll actually accomplish anything.

Anxiously awaiting a solution
Yours Truly
Jessica M

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[16 May 2006|11:11pm]
Lately life has been absolutely confusing and I am stuck in another bout of utter apathy.
I have no idea how I'm going to pay for college, I'm doing everything backwards. I don't know how I'm even going to make enough money to pay what I owe right now. I have a million things to get done and no time for any of it. I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. Or more importantly my life together because it is in shambles right now.
Certain unmentionabel things have improved greatly and I'm anxious to see what will come of them but I can't focus on them. I can't let myself. It's just that this year is probably the first in my life where I haven't felt completely and utterly alone and for that I can be greatful. Hopefully everthing will fall together in the end, as it always seems to do after making me insane. But for now I sit alone and wait for a dress, a call or a future, any two will do.

<3

(2Fucks in lust | Meet me in the bathroom?)

[29 Apr 2006|07:56am]
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am an idiot.
An idiot who's alone.

(Meet me in the bathroom?)

[27 Apr 2006|03:49pm]
I'm finally home from Italy(etc) and I literally had the time of my life.
In eight days I went to Munich, Milan, Como, Lugano, Bellagio, San Remo, Nice, Monte-Carlo, Porto Fino, Montressoro, Florence, and Pisa. I sang for on the street for money (and made quite a bit), I hiked the Cinque Terra, I saw the Alps, I played Volleyball on the beach with Italian boys, I drank capuccinos, I took a million pictures, I made new friends, I ate lots of pasta, I got lost, I got my nose pierced, I had gelato, I rode 1st class, I played with playdough, I drank Fanta, I shopped, I drank, I stayed up all night, I laughed harder than I've ever laughed in my life, I got a tan, I took pictured of accordian play ers on the street, I slept of the bus, I sang Italian arias, I went to the beach and so so much more. Hopefully if my camera works I can post pictures later.

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